Compromise v. Denial

You have most likely been spending all of the days since my last post exploring all the ways in which we can express our humanity, good or bad, wrong or right, with consequences either happy or sad. You might have made someone mad, you could have made someone else cry, whatever you have been doing to explore your new found humanity is unique to you alone, the world created by you, of you, and simply for you. Way to go! But now we come into shady territory even by the standards of this human spark we possess. Sometimes in any life, we just have to compromise, whether it involve your job or your family, or the place where you are physically stationed, or even just a very minor lifestyle change. Me, I still rely on family members to house me, and to feed me sometimes too. I like knowing I have these people to fall back on, but feeling like I also NEED to rely on them? To be 23, done with college, and to be this human creature, sometimes it is tough. Depending on who I’m with, I don’t always feel I can be myself, or I didn’t before. Like I said recently, I will be myself as outwardly as possible around people that may not know certain aspects of me, or are clueless about the idea behind this human orientation that I claim. Sometimes it can be hard, but this is not a situation in which to compromise, for even a little time spent posing as something you just aren’t, none of that is real. And we could go on and on about the whole idea of what is real? For hours, days, months, years even, without getting anywhere. But I mean real in the sense of this world that is outside the window I am sitting by as I type this. The reality that exists at a main street coffee shop when someone is on their break from work. The reality that you are having a hard time holding onto in front of certain people, causing this dilemma. You are not making any sort of compromise, you are making a total and utter denial of who and what you are. Keep your mannerisms, your quirky speech patterns, your feminine charm, and your masculine walk. If they don’t accept it, then find some people that do if you are sort of dependent like me at the present moment. It may hurt, and it may make your life rough for a while, not having these people to support you, but you have become yourself, nobody should be allowed to knock you for that. Where you can compromise is here: I had a crappy temp job for two weeks. I knew it was temporary, and I knew the way this bloody country works in regards to money. As long as it was temporary, I knew I could give up this time that could have been spent being useful, as I kept holding onto that goal of something awesome, something better, something purposeful, something that actually benefits other people. If you find yourself at a job like this for an extended period of time, even if money’s tight, if your mental health is deteriorating due to the mindless work, or if the factory conditions are making you physically ill, get out. Don’t become that person that’s just like hey I’ll get to something else eventually, and then find yourself in the same place ten years down the road saying the same things, they have denied you the power of self-hood, and it may be too late. Don’t let this happen. Change the world at large, by making your personal world something that reflects on those things which are integral to your happy existence. Comfort and happiness are worthless if they are acquired merely for their own sake. For the happiness becomes empty. Keep on fighting!

So you’ve understood the truth about being human, what now?

It is a big step to come out and divulge some of the greatest truths that you hold in your heart as truly your own, as I did in my last entry.  Since making these statements, and in a way outing myself, even though those that know me already know I lie outside the binaries,  I have settled within my heart, with a fullness of my being, that is so new so foreign to me, that no matter what I won’t be anything other than what I am, rather than what I’m supposed to be.

The first step to being human after you come to terms with what that means(see last post), is that of creation.  After throwing off your masks, and breaking any sort of falsity about you or the way you live your life, the true you shines out, and a new world exists for you to finally create the way that it most suits you.  Say, you really have a crush on the most stereotypically girly girl ever, then by all means ask her out, and regardless of the outcome life moves on.  Are you really pumped for the new movie full of gunfights, explosions, and chainsaw wielding maniacs, that has no plot? By all means, go see it.  Do you want to wear a dress one day, and wear a three piece suit another?  That’s also fine. Do it up!  Like I said the world is yours, and the sooner you figure it out the better.

Another aspect of our creating comes under the realm of the philisophical, theological, religious and spiritual and the general mish-mash those intellectual areas inhabit together.  Not to be over redundant, I merely ask that you peruse the entry I posted on the reality of god(s).

Who we choose to spend our time with, how we dress, what we eat, what kind of music we listen to, and the limits, or limtlessness of our physical skills are all key factors in determining who we are.  Embrace your strengths and above all things anything that makes you stand out as you, that rightfully belongs to you alone.  If you have gotten through at least some of the intricacies of step one:creation, then you are well on your way as a new human being.  If you have come this far, everything that follows is up to you.  Remember that thing called free will?

Coming out as human

Remember how this blog is about breaking boundaries?  The most troublesome boundaries that divide people are focused upon gender and sexuality.  If we can truly put an end to the falsity of a world ruled by a binary system, things can truly go on in a way which allows everyone to be happy and free, or at the very least happiear and freer.  Here’s a good realization to discover:  If we can realize that the reasons people can attract us go much deeper than their physical appearances, you have already made the first step in “revolutionizing your world.”    That being said, the most effective relationships go behind worrying about what kind of body parts someone has.  There’s also a common issue in starting relationships that when placed into the binary system makes everyone who follows it a hypocrite.  They say certain traits must be essential to you if you are male or female, as far as gender is concerned.  But many a guy gets into a relationship with a girl, and likes her because she isn’t extra girly and fits right in with the guys.  They already defy the binary system, for it gives proof that anyone can be with anyone.  masculine and masculine, female and female, male and male, male and female, feminine and feminine, masculine and feminine, and all other things, which may or may not have names that lie beyond the wall of the binaries.

Now take into account if gender is purely a false construct, what orientations really mean.  To some people I say I’m straight, to others I say I’m bi, and to yet others I say I don’t know what I am or I make up a term that sums up my world view, like post sexual(yes I have a sexuality, but I find myself in a place where I can love anyone for any number of reasons, never based solely on sexual attraction or preference of a partner being male or female).  I love people, and when it comes down to it, that’s what all of us are.  If we can realize the depth of our choices in partners, then we can truly understand, that maybe nobody in this world is 100% straight or 100% gay, and that the only thing we know for certain is that we are human.

The Mystery Zone

So I have been privileged to see the same marvelous people at least once every week.  For the quality of the interactions, it is a very decent compromise between all my hours of working mindlessly and my hours of sleep.  Okay, let me not forget that my volunteer job at experienced goods is also a grand time, for it just wouldn’t be fair to acknowledge that.  So, in these friend interactions, so used to being silent most of the week, my thoughts come pouring out almost Ulysses style, but the difference is in the intelligibility of what i say, and what the others say in response.

So I came to a point in a long meandering conversation with Felix, one of the greatest friends you or me or anyone else could possibly ask for, a fellow buster of the barrier.  To channel Max Demian, and in turn Hesse since he created the fellow a person with the mark of Cain.  So we continue on destroying things to create other things, bringing revolution to our worlds of choice, the only worlds that ultimately have bearing on who and what we are, who we hang out with, what we like, our being, our self.   If we are uncomfortable in our minds, we are uncomfortable with ourselves, and thus uncomfortable with all around us.  So in the conversation I got sidetracked from: we were standing in his suite drinking cocoa, and dishing on all variety of subject matter.  This kid can keep up with anyone, I tell you.  And a quote wall in his suite had some sort of comment along the lines of, “God probably doesn’t exist, so let’s enjoy our coca-cola.”  I’m not gonna deny that my steady beliefs are agnostic at best at this point, but we need to come to an understanding about god, about gods.  Since we are often at least partially responsible for constructing them, it would only make sense, that there is no feasibility that there isn’t a god. 

Someone will say, “I don’t believe in god, I know I’m going to hell. ”  If you don’t ascribe to one particular religion, we would you end up in a place you don’t believe in?  I feel like you won’t, or if you in fact do(sorry for the fire and brimstone folks)  that this hell will resemble something different to you, than to another, even if you both inhabit the same space.  Perception is the differential force within each member of humanity.  Someone believes in one god, someone else believes in many gods, one worships Brahma, the other worships the god of the big three: Allah, Jehovah, I am, yet still another believes in a creature that looks like a giant brain with tentacles andworships that, another seeks visions, while another gathers its faith from that which can not be seen.  I talked about my so called gifts of partial precognition, and being able to feel energy in an unusual way, and the “gifts” others I have met in the course of my life seem to possess.  Real or not? What is real?  It doesn’t matter, for if something is real to one, it is real enough to be accepted in some sort of collective reality, if one does in fact exist.

I got more excited as I talked and I brought to light a question.  For example, let’s just pick Jehovah.  If this god is absolutely real, if he turns out to be the god, we still create what we want to of him, right?  As far as thinking we know what’s in his(their) plan, what they look like, whether they created the world, or came into existence with that world, are questions that tend to be speculated in different ways by millions of people.  But us ascribing some quantifiable thing to something so beyond the scope of our human grounding, is in a sense creating our own personal god, even if this is the one absolute true god.  Interesting thought eh?  But here’s another thing,  I have been quoted as saying that “all paths lead to god.”  What this really means is this: Since we all perceive our gods differently, and they are not all the same god, if there is an absolute true god, since we all perceive differently even within the same religions so much of the time, then are we not all on the right path?  Absolute reality is also hard to determine for one, because if all our perceptions are a little different what parts of them are the same?  I just have a feeling someone up there in some elevated place is laughing their ass off at our human conundrums.

Self-Preservation

In my beginning entries under the guise of the heckhound, I found myself dreading the end of college, rife with worry and anticipation, and a lack of a job, an end of an era.  I came to the resolution in my heart, that to awake my full potential I must embrace change every step of the way, and further more I must let life surprise me, I must not order it so much, I must keep my dreams as wide as possible while also setting myself up to flow with the device  of chance occurences.  I asked to be surprised and I was.

I recently found myself with a job through the temp agency.  A temporary job is better than none, whether or not it is nice, hip, fun, or exciting or stimulating in anyway.  But all my jobs in life thus far have fallen under this negative category.  And I do not lament for it pays more than two dollars over my highet paying job to date, it is I also must tell myself only a temp job, and that means better things shall come.  But other jobs, whether for good or bad might have more social interaction.  I wear my least dashing clothes and adorn myself with latex gloves earplugs and a hairnet, and assemble parts that are created by inefficient machines which botch more than half of everything they produce.  There are fumes of melted plastic and oil, and the buzz of electricity from machines that are never shut off for five entire days of the week.  Think how wasteful that is, and think how detrimental the lack of any social direction is to a worker’s morale.  Yes I’m commended for a good job, but people don’t check on me to make sure I’m not flubbing up, they don’t say, “hey, wasn’t that new movie starring so and so was so badass, you should check it out.”  People have for some reason had it in for me because I wanted an education, and so make a job hell for said people like myself.  It’s bad enough without your help, sorry haters.  And this job wins me over for that reason, but when i must stay inside my head for an entire quarter of the day, playing random song clips in my brain, random anime theme music, family guy jokes, entire episodes of shows i know too well,  and the beautiful face of grell, (swoon) I find myself more often than not bogged down by a weird childhood memory, or a song I’d rather not have playing in my head when this job is hard enough in its lack of difficulty, and complete mindlessness, and the expendability of myself as a worker.

I go on and on in my daily conversations, about making jobs that matter, actually doing what you are trained to do, livig your life the way you feel destined to, and like I said I’ll grin and bear it for now, but these feelings need not be pipe dreams.  If one more person says, “well, a job is a job.”  It may not end up pretty on their end.  Yes, every cynic in one’s circle of friends will spout off the same thing: we’re born, we go to school, we work, we die, that’s life.  But work, being apparently a major focal point of your life’s journey in this modern world, whether you are a cynic, or if you are the most postive fellow like myself, to be held at such importance it must have a purpose.  We see so many people, and all of us can be guilty of it at one point or other, punching and being like “Hey it’s work, so glad I get paid tomorrow, I’ll buy something really cool with it on my day off, and then I’ll come back in fo six more days of work, and then use the cool thing I bought on my next day off.  If work takes up so much time, that that which the work earns you can not be cared for to its full potential, where is the fun in that?  “Hooray, I can buy myself food!”  while a valid reason to affirm the goodness of your job, is still not enough for people like me by the end of the day.  To find a job that matters, that makes a difference somewhere in this world is good, for it fulfills the requirements of monetary need, and makes you feel accomplished.  The ease of obtaining this can be questionable, but if the paycheck is the only thing the job makes you think of, it is not worth it, to your role as a real human being.  You are only preserving yourself, and lose sight of all else around you, but what can the self truly be, if it can not be free from the earthly vices of the daily grind?  The idea is that, if we can not free ourselves from these modes of thinking, we can’t really say we are preserving anything that even resembles a self, for a self has free will, and autonomy, and the only master to it, is the parameters which we ourselves set in our individual universes.

To reiterate:

If our job is our life, it can never be just a job.  Money may not buy you happiness, but if something you buy with it helps you in your happiness that is fine, but if a job you have does not let you use the greatness of said purchase, due to no free time, how worth it is it?  Remember the real way to preserve self is to destoy all limits and eradicate all boundaries.

Unleashing the Fan Girl Inside Us All.

It is common knowledge to anyone that knows me at least a little bit, that I am a rather epic nerd. Many of my friends who also like nerdy things such as video games and anime have taken to calling me a fan girl, and in turn I have called myself it.  A few people have said, “Don’t you mean you’re a fan boy?”  Well no, I don’t.  A lot has to do with the way one expresses their fan status.  I will lead you through a few examples to demonstrate.  A fan boy would be like, “Hey dude, I pwned everyone at the halo tournament the other night, that crap was dank.”  A fan girl might say in a similar situation, “I wish I could have master chief’s babies.”  Okay nobody would say that about Master Chief, but it’s closer to what a fan girl would say about any given thing.  The next is a bit easier to  expect.  Fan boy: “Wow, a reaper with a chainsaw? That’s kind of badass.”  Fan girl:  “I can’t believe how pretty Grell still looks even when he’s running someone through with a chainsaw.”  There can be more examples from many different places that I could use, but I think these two illustrate the point clearly enough.  I’m more inclined to comment on something as being pretty or cute, than I am to put on the bro talk from the first example.  While in the second, as badass as it is that Grell wield’s a chainsaw, my biggest focus is on the fact that he is pretty.  Fan girls of the world unite!!